My Favorite Prayer

OCTAVE OF CHRISTMAS


As everyone is celebrating the incoming of the New Year, I find I am thoughtful.

I want to be a better person this year.  I want to work harder to discern God's Will and His Path for me.  I want to follow that Path....if I can figure out what it is.....

My Lord God.

I have no idea where I am going.

 

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.  

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,

 though I may know nothing about it.

 

Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. 

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

 my most favorite prayer, written by Thomas Merton

Lost Near the Jaffa Gate

ORDINARY TIME

Luke 13:22-30

²² Then Jesus went through the towns and villages, teaching as he made his way to Jerusalem. ²³ Someone asked him, “Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?”
He said to them, ²⁴ “Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. ²⁵ Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, ‘Sir, open the door for us.’
“But he will answer, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from.’
²⁶ “Then you will say, ‘We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.’
²⁷ “But he will reply, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!’
²⁸ “There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out. ²⁹ People will come from east and west and north and south, and will take their places at the feast in the kingdom of God. ³⁰ Indeed there are those who are last who will be first, and first who will be last.”

This is a scary story.  It's all about doing God's will as opposed to my own, or I may not end up at the banquet in the kingdom of God. 

Narrow Zion Gate - Jerusalem

(This car could barely make the turn to come through this gate and
we saw multiple vehicles going back & forth to make it through.
We actually saw one car smack the wall, back up and keep on going!)


My will = the wide gate

Gods will = the narrow gate

But how do we know who's will we are following?  There don't seem to be any maps or road signs.  At least not that my dense-self has seen.  Doing God's will doesn't mean easy or happy, right?  Then again, if trying to do something seems like swimming upstream constantly, doesn't that seem like it goes against God's will?  Doesn't that seem like a "sign"?  Like, if I am doing God's will, God's way, shouldn't the path be easy and straight?  Nope.

I understand "for many, I tell you, will attempt to enter but will not be strong enough".  That seems to be talking about being strong enough to resist temptation.  Strong enough to do the right thing, strong enough to stand up for what's right, strong enough to say NO to Satan and his ways and the ways of this world.

But "walk the rough road".....now what does that mean?  What makes this road rough?  Boulders to stumble on?  Twists to confuse us?  Holes to turn our ankles or trip us up?  Hills to climb, steep or slippery accents?  Or is it rough in a metaphysical way?  The path is very straight but narrow with many sinful behaviors and enticing  to knock us off?  High winds to make us unsteady and threaten to blow us off the edge?   

Do worldly treasures and ideas and people constantly push or pull at us to knock us off?

Well my ASA - that's my Anonymous Spiritual Adviser - (Have I ever told you I have a spiritual adviser, only she doesn't know it?  She's one of the most spiritual people I know and she surprises and guides me all the time!)  said it's like perspective in art.  God is our focal point. 

perspective drawing with a focal point

We are suppose to make a direct line to Him, no matter where we start or are.  But we fall, we stray, we get lost.  And by the great mercy of God, He adjusts the path so that it again leads straight to Him. 

She said that although He planned a specific path in the beginning, the path of His will is like a constantly turning compass point.  No matter which way we twist and wiggle and backtrack, it's always going to point a straight line to God.  Staying on that line is His Will.

No matter how many times I stray, no matter how far to the left or right or away from his Will I go, no matter how many times I sin, He has infinite mercy and patience with me and he "redraws" my path to heaven, His will for me.  

Every single time I repent or confess or try again, I get a new, straight-line to God!

How beautiful is that?  : )

I love knowing the God will show me the way to him, no matter how lost I am.  

When we were in Jerusalem, we got lost.  

Plaza outside the Jaffa Gate

The entire tour group had exited out the Jaffa Gate after a full day of events in Old Jerusalem.  It was sunset and Mom and I stood with everyone and marveled at the mix of old and new, the ancient wall of the City of David and the modern highway running beside it.  

Besides that, I realized I was very near the same location as Mitch had years ago!  I remembered his photograph when he was a junior in college (and suppose to be in Egypt, not Israel....but that's another story) and was trying to remember just where he had been.  

Mitch in Jerusalem, 2004

There was a gorgeous sunset which made a perfect backdrop to the beautiful spot.  Mom & and were happily taking photos and enjoying ourselves on the plaza/bridge. 

Jerusalem is a constant mix of ancient & modern

When all of a sudden we realized we were alone!

It's a sickening feeling to look around and know your group is gone and you have no idea which way they went.  We looked around and saw a very glittery and modern-looking shopping mall leading off the plaza - they must have gone in there for more shopping!  

Mamilla Mall in Jerusalem

We took off quickly down the wide, tiled walkway between the very expensive shops.  Everywhere were lights and people and beautiful clothes, jewelry, keepsakes and gifts mixed between outdoor cafe tables and musicians and artistic statues!  It was lovely and such a contrast to the ancient shops we had just come from on the other side of the Jaffa Gate!

Well, no matter how hurriedly we walked, we didn't see a soul we knew.  No one from our group was to be seen in the wide promenade, nor at the cute cafe tables, nor through any of the enticing windows to the very high-end stores we were passing.  
 
Uh Oh.

I could feel my stomach sinking and my stress rising.  In fact, very quickly I was beginning to panic.  It was getting dark and what if they didn't realize we weren't with the group???

Ah ha - modern technology to the rescue!  I grabbed my phone and began to text Di!

"We are lost!  Where are you guys!?!?!?"

And she texted me right back with a location - they were on the bus parked along a lower street down the stairs from the Jaffa Gate.  I ran ahead to the next break in the stores, ran out onto the wide steps and looked - there were more than a dozen buses parked up and down the street and after a minute I spotted ours about 2 from the end!

THANK GOD!

Looking off of the Mamilla Mall to the street below - full of tour buses

Mom and I made our way to them as fast as we could and jumped on the bus.  Hillel and Mickey were talking outside the door and Hillel looked at me with that exasperated, you-are-always-last-on-the-bus look.  I smiled and we went to our seats.  What a relief!!  Whew!

What a lesson that was.  Pay attention.  Stay alert.  And when you are lost:  Phone A Friend!

It's a lesson for my spiritual life too:  Stay on track, pray for guidance, and when I feel lost, call someone spiritual and get some advise to help me find my way back to God's path!

Dear Lord, Thank You for placing people in my life that can help guide me to you.  Thank you for the Holy Priests, my holy friends, my holy family members who help me on my path to heaven!  Amen.

2012 Pilgrimage to Israel - Day 8

The Sweetness of Answered Prayers

ORDINARY TIME

OK, so I know I keep coming back to this same topic (struggling to make a spiritual connection), but I have finally found an answer I can understand and deal with! Yay!

During Eucharistic Adoration, I had again been meditating on (stressing about) this, and all of a sudden Mom leans over and says "I'm sorry to interrupt, but you just have to read this passage!" and she shoves her little devotional into my hands.

I have to admit that I wasn't happy to be interrupted in my frustrated wallowing at my lack of connection with the holiest sites on the planet, but then the first sentence just jumped out at me:

"My child, do not look for spiritual consolation or interior good feelings in your prayers and good works."  

Say what!?!?!

"If I gave internal consolation and joy for every good work, many a worldly man would follow my Commandments for the sake of these gifts."

OH!

 I was completely blown away! It went on to say:

"Spiritual consolation is only a temporary gift to encourage one who is earnestly trying to serve Me."

A temporary gift! God does not give that loving, spiritual connection I have been obsessing about for every prayer, good work, or pilgrimage visit!

If we received a warm-fuzzy, overwhelmingly joyful feeling every time we did anything for God, we would all do good works and pray all the time just for the emotional payoff!

It would interfere with our faith. It would interfere with our free will. It would interfer with our choice to follow Him. I get it! I understand!

O Thank You God!

I looked up Spiritual Consolation and it said:

"Spiritual Consolation is an experience of being so on fire with God's love that we feel impelled to praise, love and serve God and help others as best as we can.  Spiritual Consolation encourages and facilitates a deep sense of gratitude for God's faithfulness, mercy and companionship in our life.  In consolation, we feel more alive and connected to others."

What a fabulous explanation! That is exactly what I had been looking for in Israel! And exactly what I had been freaking out about since I didn't receive it every single time I stood in those holy places!

I most certainly did receive the gift of spiritual consolation multiple times, but not everywhere. And now that I understand, I am so grateful for the times that I did receive this most wonderful gift! I feel so privileged to have experienced it as many times as I did!

And best of all, I can quit feeling guilty and unworthy for the times that I did not! Whew! What a huge relief!

So now I understand why I didn't feel the connection all the time, so that I would freely and faithfully continue of my own love for God.

Thank You Lord for answering my prayer of struggle and wondering in the most unusual way!  By being interrupted and... 

WAIT!  I interrupt this prayer to finish the story. Mom had showed me this particular section of her devotional because it had spoken to HER at that moment. Unbelievable!

She was sharing with me, with tears in her eyes, how the passage was speaking to her heart as an answered prayer for her spiritual question at that moment.

How awesome is our God? How unbelievably AWESOME is our God!

Dear Lord, thank you for answering OUR prayers of struggle in such a wondrous way.  How miraculous are your ways, in that whoever wrote that passage would be your instrument to speak to two different people experiencing two different problems at exactly the same time.  You are indeed, an AWESOME God!  Thank you for blessing us with spiritual consultation about spiritual consolation!  Amen.

epiphany with a little e

CHRISTMAS

In reading back over the Gospel Stories of the Birth of Jesus, I wonder why it is only mentioned in Luke and Matthew?

(The kids from my church at this year's Christmas Program
 which both my youngest son & oldest granddaughter sang in!)

I've seen many tv shows about how further writings from those times (the era when the gospels were written) have been found by archaeologists and others and there seems to be other books and letters written about the circumstances of the birth and youth of Jesus.

My snap/first reaction is - oh, they need to update the Bible now that this new data has come to light! Oh how wonderful it will be to know more about him and his life before he started his public mission. And with any other instance, site, event or writing in history this would be true. But not with the Bible.

The Bible was divinely inspired. It was led to exactly what is is today, by the Holy Spirit all those years ago.

If God had wanted more information included, He would have arranged for the information to have come to light at that time and it would have been part of the Bible.

I'm going to liken my trip to Israel to this idea.

I prayed about my trip ahead of time before I left. I prayed while I was there. I prayed while I was standing in some of the holiest places in the universe.

Inside the edicule, the burial site of Christ

I tried to stay open to the Holy Spirit everywhere I went in Israel. I wanted to be open to receive any spiritual experience God would grant me. I prayed that I would be where I need to be, to see what I needed to see. I prayed to hear anything I needed to hear. To feel whatever God wanted me to feel.

With all my wishing and hope in and expecting and wanting and trying and anticipating and stressing - for the prayers of a connection, a deepening of relationship, for the desire of an epiphany of faith - I'm going to be satisfied and say that I received exactly what God wanted me to have.

God is mystical. , so I may never (in this life) ever understand some of the things that did or did not happen on my trip.

But I'm going to continue to mull it over and meditate on each aspect as I now travel through this Liturgical Year.

As I read the biblical stories I will continue to ponder and consider the events and experiences I had in Israel. I will examine my thoughts and feelings. And I hope and pray to continue to have my own personal epiphanies!

* Epiphany (capitalized) - January 6 observed as a church festival in commemoration of the coming of the Magi as the first manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles.

* epiphany (small e) - (1) a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something. (2) an intuitive grasp of reality through something usually simple or striking. (3) an illuminating discovery, realization or disclosure.

Dear Lord, Thank You for the gift of this project.  Thank You for giving me a way to express my desire to align myself, my visit to the holy land and your son and your word into one in my mind and heart.  Please let me comprehend your messages and glean all the understanding I can from them.  Thank You.  Amen.

A Spiritual Moment Captured at the Grotto of the Nativity

 CHRISTMAS

We were all waiting to enter the cave where Jesus was born, standing all bunched up on those crazy funnel steps with the hideous light which I told you about in the post Church of the Nativity.

Entrance to the Grotto of the Nativity

We were all squeezed together pretty tight. The light over the door was so bright and was radiating such heat! It was just blazing!

As I mentioned, emotions had been running high due to the rude tour group behind us and the confrontation between them and some of the folks in our group. Everyone was full of anxiety and excitement at the same time. As were were all standing there, holding onto each other to keep from falling down the stairs, I looked through the crowd and there stood N.

 He was the youngest pilgrim in our group at only 15 years old. Earlier N had purchased a crucifix which he was carrying to all the holy sites with him. When I saw him, he was standing so still and so quiet - amongst all the movement and noise around him. He looked absolutely serine, clutching his cross to his heart, and I began to cry!

His innocence, and the beauty of his personal devotion was overwhelming to me at that moment. It was absolutely beautiful and precious to see him standing there, in his own world, completely oblivious to the chaos around him. He was standing so quiet. He was staring at the door and not moving at all. He looked so reverent. So expectant. So beautiful.

I motioned to his mother, and she saw what I saw. Or something like it, because she began to cry too. We stood there, two tearful women, sharing a beautiful moment together.

As I think of it now, I realize that this then, was my spiritual gift at the Church of the Nativity.

This stairwell, the long line, it was like Advent.

We were waiting. We were tired. It was uncomfortable and noisy and full of tension and anxiety and hopefulness and excitement and hot and claustrophobic. We were all waiting to touch the sacred spot, waiting to say a prayer, waiting to take a picture, receive a blessing, see the site, connect to the story.

Yet when I looked at N, I saw this innocent young person. One child waiting to meet another.

Thank You Lord for showing me this special moment.  Thank You Lord for letting me capture it so that I could meditate on it later.  And Thank You Lord for giving me this special, spiritual memory as my souvenir of my visit to the church where your son was born.  Amen.

2013 Pilgrimage to Israel - Day 7