Searching for a Spiritual Connection

I stopped in at St. Paul's Adoration Chapel for a few minutes the other day. The church is downtown and I try to stop in anytime I have business near there.

 

(this is not a great photo, I snapped it with my cell phone which doesn't do well in low light)

St. Paul's Adoration Chapel is in a small room directly off the altar of the 180 year old historic church. It just so happened that as I was in there praying I heard the sounds of the beginning of daily Mass.

(It was kinda weird since I was just on the other side of the wall, not 25 feet from the priest! I felt like I was hiding in a closet or something!)

I don't know what I was praying about at the time, but I had just gotten up to leave when I realized they were beginning the Gospel. I stood still and tried to listen to the Word. It was difficult. The priest had a very deep voice and although it was booming, it was muffled to my ears though the thick sanctuary wall. I couldn't catch many of the words.

I heard Joseph's name, and Mary.

I caught partial snatches of sentences.

I know what time of the year we are in liturgically, so I was able to narrow it down to one of a couple of stories, but couldn't hear. Stain and try as I might, I couldn't catch what was actually being said. It was frustrating.

I found myself feeling upset and sad.

And then I realized I was experiencing the same sort of anxious feelings I had when I was in Israel on my pilgrimage!

The crowds, the rush, the noise, the distractions...all worked to make it next to impossible to have any sort of heavenly experience at the various sites. They hustle visitors through so many of the sites, and although I understand their need to give everyone a chance. The lines are long and I'm sure there are pilgrims who would throw themselves on a site and remain there in prayer for a hour if left to it, heck-fire, I might be one of them! But they had to move us all along so the next person could have a slice of a moment with the spiritual. The longing to connect - to have an epiphany, some sort of divine bonding was very stressful....and the discouragement when it didn't happen made my heart ache.

For me, it made for a frustrating experience several times in the holiest of sites and I came away with a sense of discouragement at my lack of divine encounter... and to be truthful, maybe even a tiny bit of shame and not having been able to center my heart and mind to give the scared spot the honor it was due.

There I said it. I was ashamed that I couldn't connect with My Lord in the sites where He lived and breathed.

I was maybe even hurt. Why didn't I? What was it? Why weren't my prayers for an encounter answered? What was wrong with me that I could connect with the holy place??? Why was God holding himself back from me???

Well, it was an ongoing internal struggle during the entire pilgrimage and after I returned home too.

But back to my experience in the Adoration Chapel.

So I left feeling frustrated and sad and knowing that it was like the feelings I had experienced in Israel. And I thought about it as I drove away. And it occurred to me that if I want to know what the priest is saying, all I have to do is go to any missal or any one of a hundred websites to find out what the Gospel reading was (btw Mt 1:18-25. Thanks www.catholic.org!).

Any person on any day can read, meditate, savor, find meaning in and dwell on the Word of God. I can take my time, put it in my heart, grow a tiny bit more in my quest to be a good daughter of God and sister of Christ.

And then I realized that this is what I'm doing with this blog. I am taking my lack of spiritual encounter to the awesome religious site and am making that link by reading the stories in the bible, meditating on my photos, recalling the moments I was physically there, reminiscing on the sounds, smells, sites, feelings and putting it all together here.

I am turning my frustration (& embarrassment?) to peace.

I am so happy to have this journaling project to help me to take one of the most wonderful events of my life and use it to make many, many connections to God.

Lord, thank you for "holding out" on me during my pilgrimage so that I can link your Word with my experience for an even greater meditative encounter now which I can savor over time and enjoy to it's fullest.  Amen.