I don't like to fast. I'm not good at it. I don't do it well. I certainly don't feel good doing it.
When I abstain, I'm fine. I feel happy to do it. When faced with meat on a Friday during Lent, I am secretly happy to pass it up. I almost feel noble. I smile as I eat my cheese, eggs and fish.
The same with whatever I've "given up" for Lent. When faced with the item (99% of my life it has been a food item) I have all kinds of will-power to turn it down or walk away from it. Again, I feel honored to do it. The self-sacrificing is self-satisfying in a small way.
But real fasting on Ash Wednesday is tough. It even feels more difficult than fasting on Good Friday, because at least by then I've had 40 days of sacrificing and am in tune with the whole process. I'm accustomed to it.
But Ash Wednesday? It's just hard.
How in the world did Jesus fast for 40 days? I can barely do 24 hours!
I don't feel like it's drawing me closer to the Holy Spirit when all I can do is look at the clock and think about my next meal and how much longer and how much can I have....measuring the portions, trying to keep within the fasting rules, obsessing about the amount so I don't eat too much.
It's stressful for me. No matter what kind of attitude I try to have, I find myself just wanting the day to be over. O.V.E.R.
I don't know how God takes my state-of-mind on this day and uses it for His glory.
Or do I?
I was reading someone else's reflection on today's Gospel and he states "Are you hungry for God and do you thirst for His holiness?".
Now, let me think about that.
My attitude towards giving up food all day, and trying to make meal meager. Yes, I hunger all day. I want something more than water. Food is boring, my favorite flavors are missing, I want something more satisfying.
If I think of that as hungering for God, then the longing for the next meal, the unhappiness of the small portions, the dissatisfaction of the menu options - it feels like a yearning for more.
A yearning for more God.
More time with God, less time between visits. Longer and more meaningful, more fulfilling devotions to Him.
Yes, I can see a correlation in this line of thinking.
It makes the yearning more seem more virtuous. It makes the longing in-between seem more honorable. It makes the wanting it to be over seem almost right and decent.
Ah Ash Wednesday. Thanks for making me feel whiny and wimpy all day long. Thanks for reminding me with ashes on my forehead that this is not my home. Someday my body will return to ashes and my soul will get all the God it wants with zero fasting. Amen
ps. no pictures in this post - it's Ash Wednesday, we are fasting from pictures today!
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